Dear Readers
by Alaee301
Summary: Anyone who interested for food for thought.


Bismillahi Rahman Al Raheem.

Dear Readers,

How are you guys? I hope you are doing well. Perhaps if you recognize my username you would be familiar with some of my stories that used to be posted here in this particular archive; 'A Different End' and/or 'A New Beginning'. I've deleted them since then but if anyone knew any of my work you would know that my last update was nearly three or four years ago. Yeah since then a lot has changed. And I would like to take a moment to share with you guys what has happened since then. I sincerely ask for you to read till the very end.

So yeah, so three or four years ago (or even more, I can't for the life of me remember) I started reading fanfiction. Ever since middle school I've been a reader, I always had a new book in my hands. But wow when I discovered this site, it was like a goldmine of new stories. Because of this nearly always I had a new story to read. It was an escape, you know? I think a lot of people can relate. It was an escape when things got hard or lonely- it was an escape when my parents went through a horrible divorce- when things got too much (which felt like always), and it was basically an escape to my happiness. Which was kinda sad. Can anyone relate to this? If so please keep on reading.

Anywho after being so involved in these endless stories I thought I would actually try my hand in writing something. My first story, of course, sucked. But after many different drafts (and growing up a bit more) my writing improved from silly one shots to full blown plots and characters, character development etc... I developed a story for this particular archive- and it was my first real story and I was really proud of myself, and so was my mom in fact. She told me I had a talent, I didn't really see it, but it was nice to hear.

So it took me about a year to write that story and in my head it was going to be the first part of many. I had so many ideas, so many scenes I wanted to create and write out and share. I began to write the second part (A New Beginning) telling people that I was working on it. But…. I just lost it. It was just gone- all of my inspiration and drive for this story that I had cared so much about was gone. And that was something really disappointing for me. I felt like I didn't even try. So that was the end of 'A New Beginning'… I'm hilarious I know.

After that I went through small different story phases, from the Hunger Games to Supernatural to Harry Potter to even the anime part of entertainment. All the same routine- watch the whole series then reading a bunch fanfiction for that particular series. And at each stop I would have a bunch of story ideas; with a plot and everything, and I would try out a couple pages; I remember with the Supernatural one nearly reaching about 60 pages; then I would just stop and move on.

That was a while ago- after that I discovered my favorite brand of stories. The Superhero genre. It was really cool to me, something that caught my passion for reading more than anything else. And with my favorite superhero in mind I came up with an amazing story for him. I had my own O.C that I wanted to write out in this Superhero's particular storyline. I remember working so hard on this O.C, even before writing anything. Thinking how she would be like, how she would talk how she would walk, and I remember working so hard to make sure that she would not become a Mary Sue (ugh).

I had so many ideas, from action scenes to romantic scenes to epic fight scenes- to involving characters from other movies or other comics. Back then I would wait for the new Superhero to come out and I would see and try to figure how this new movie would contribute to my plotline.

All these things were a huge part of my life and my thought process.

And throughout this time period I was still in the middle of my teen years. And as a teenager- you've got issues. Self-esteem and confidence problems, peer pressure- in your eyes your never good enough so your mind escapes to the stories you love. And you know I remember trying to write this story so hard (the one with the Superhero). You have to understand the love had for these characters and my O.C, the plotlines I had in my mind, and this whole brand in general. I loved this genre the most and I was ready to spend a lot to get my hands on these comic books- so I could get to know these characters more and more and follow their storylines. But that's not what happened.

But before I continue (and if you're still here I thank you very much) I have to get a bit more personal (yup even more so) so you may understand my story a bit more.

Long story short I was born into a Muslim family, and I remember whenever my sister and my Mom would go to a wedding (or something of that sort) my Dad would take me to the Mosque with him. I loved my religion, didn't have any doubts in it, and when I was fourteen I made the decision of putting on the hijab (headscarf for Muslim women) following the steps of my Mom, sister and most of the women in my family. I put it on not knowing the real reason why Muslim women wore it, but to copy my sis and Mom, and to do what my religion told me to do.

I grew up after that not having that many friends; just people I sat with in school and that I said 'hi' to in the street. That's how I was going through life, to my parents' divorce to reading books, listening to music (ALL the time- I wore the headphones under my hijab) to watching movies, getting into fanfiction and to writing here and there.

When I graduated that's when life got harder. Not around me per se, but inside me. I was struggling, I was in a lot pain. From my loneliness to self-esteem problems, confidence problems and to how I could never write what I wanted to write.

During this time I had come to the conclusion and assumption that perhaps if I took of my hijab I would be happier. I would have more confidence, it would be easier to make friends. Maybe that was what was stopping me from having contentment in my life. And that's all what we want from life right? Happiness and contentment.

But you see it wasn't as simple as it sounds- of just waking up the next day and not wearing it anymore. My decision would affect everyone around me, especially my uncle. Now my uncle- to just paint a quick picture- my uncle is what you would call in Christianity a missionary or a preacher. He calls people to Islam, he gives lessons to Muslims who want to learn more about their religion- he teaches Muslims how to be a good Muslim basically. He has the big beard and everything, and that's how most people know him. But to me and he's one the most funniest and caring people I know.

He's family and he was like a Dad to me when my real Dad kicked me, my siblings and my Mom out of our house (during that horrible divorce I mentioned). He -and my grandma- were there for us emotionally and- thank God and God bless him-he gave us a lot of what he didn't have, he was someone we depended on. My uncle could make us laugh when we were crying and could cheer us up when we were sad and calm us down when we were angry. He became really close to us.

Now you can understand how my decision of taking off my hijab could affect him deeply. Not only his conscious but it could hurt his efforts of sharing Islam and teaching Islam. People would see him as hypocrite, "You're telling us do this and that when your niece did that and this?"

Yeah you could defiantly say that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. And on top of all that I had all these questions running through my mind. Like, was I willing to hurt the people the love? My family, my uncle, my aunt, my grandma- the ones who had helped me so much I when I was going through so much? Was I that selfish?

And was my confidence dependent upon a piece of cloth on my head. Because wasn't that all it was at the end of the day? It wasn't this magical, mystical scarf that had the power to give confidence and take it away. And if that's what I wanted- then what did it say about what I valued in myself? Did I value my looks over my personality, over my character and my intelligence? And if I were to be with someone, in the back of my mind would I wonder if he would fallen for me if he had seen me in the hijab. Was it how I did my hair that brought us together? Or how I dressed that got you interested in me?

And would I feel regretful? That maybe if I had kept my scarf on and had been patient I would have been able to find someone who fell in love with my inside then my out?

Was I really willing to jump into all this uncertainty and risk- at the price of hurting the people I loved the most?... No- a part of me wanted to but I wasn't willing. My heart was in pain, depressed, full of sadness but… it couldn't handle hurting anyone.

So I decided to keep it on… and I remember that night when I made that decision, I decided to pray to God (Allah to me) (how Muslims pray) though, I hadn't prayed in a long time. My thought process was of this: that I was a Muslim right? God didn't make Christian nor did he make me Jewish not Hindu- He made me Muslim. And at the end of the day I was wearing the hijab because it was what He told me to do.

So that night I just asked Him for one thing- I asked for happiness. Wither it be with the hijab on or off. That's all I wanted. That's all what everyone wants right? I just didn't want to feel this pain inside me. I didn't want the feel the weight of 'what if' on my shoulders anymore.

After that night passed not much changed. In a way things got better because things went back to normal. I didn't think much about 'the hijab subject' and I kept on with my stories.

During this time I would still think and put a lot of thought into that story (the one I loved the most). I would still write out scenes in my head but never on paper.

Whilst I would be waiting for the next big superhero movie to come out, I tried to get into other things to past the time. I watched The Maze Runner when it came out in the theaters which got me into the Teen Wolf phase-it came and went quickly- I must have finished all the seasons within a couple weeks… then I moved on- got interested in anime again…then I just got bored and looked for something else.

I tried out Pretty Little Liars- didn't really like it much... I got curious about people's love for Pokemon… I didn't get through the first episode… I watched The Fault in our Stars when it came out in the theaters and I wanted to read the book but I never got around to it though… same thing with Divergent and The Maze Runner series, I liked the movies and I wanted to read these stories but…it just didn't happen…. My heart just wasn't in it anymore. Because I felt like I knew all of them. I knew the ending to all of them. That's it- it would just end. Even on fanfiction 'the site where your favorite stories never end!' they all- in the end-ended.

It just made me think a lot about life, you know? How was it going to end, how was my life going to end? I couldn't get these questions and thoughts out of my head. I would stare at the ceiling at night in the dark feeling so tiny and small and so insignificant… was this all it? What is it that I could ever do that would amount up to anything? Why was I here? To entertain myself- if so, why didn't that give me happiness? Why did anyone struggle for happiness if we were here just to have fun, work, have kids and try to have more fun? Out of seven billion people who was I? And did it even matter who I was? It's in this time that I tried to learn a bit more about my religion.

Fast forward one year later I'm still learning about my faith- and I found my happiness. And surprisingly life for me with happiness is life without any fiction (wither it be fanmade or not) or movies, or music. It has and is filled to the brim with lots of learning, truthfulness, sincerity and love- with what? With having a relationship with the one who gave me everything, with one who put me here and made me who I am, with the who knows where I am and knows where I'm going and is in complete control of my life. You know Him as God but I call Him (in Arabic) Allah.

And I know some of you guys might think I'm cheesy, or dramatic, or backwards- or even insane. And I'm sorry if you might feel that I have I wasted your time. But I just wanted to post this here, first for hopefully Allah to forgive me -to make for anything I did that was wrong in His eyes, and then to share a bit if my life with a bunch of strangers that I feel aren't so strange or different from how I was. I wanted to reach out to anyone who might be feeling what I have felt- if you were able to relate to a some of what I've said or a lot of what I've said, I hope you can to do what I did- and just ask. Don't ask anyone- not anyone, not anything, not anyone except your Creator to give you what need. If its happiness ask for happiness, if it's for answers, ask for answers, if it's for peace, contentment- ask for it. And truly God never rejects someone who comes to Him with sincerity. That's it.

And for those who might (sadly) think they know what Islam is based on the media, know that nothing they say is true, and everything they do say is misunderstood, taken out of context and misconstrued. And all of those people who do horrible things in the name of Islam don't even make 1% of us (seriously look it up).

Anywho I love you all for the sake of humanity and I hope that Allah can forgive me for everything wrong I did knowingly and unknowingly and that I may I have reached out to anyone if you were in the place I was at. Truly I hope all every single one of you (even the ones who didn't appreciate or like this note) have a blessed life full of happiness and peace.

-A

P.S: If anyone is interested to learn a bit more- for whatever reason, I have posted a couple links on my profile. Its there for anyone and everyone.


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